Epic

Hmm. I was so emo, right. Well I have to admit, I cried. I cried so much that night. I cried shamelessly like a child craving for something he couldn't achieve. Or a child who just lost his teddy bear.
Now I'm ashamed to my dad. He asked why I was crying. I couldn't answer. And I can't answer here too. It's the most stupid thing, and regretly to say, I've done it.

So that's the reason why I skipped UAS first day. I wasn't ready for it. I couldn't study at the night before it, as I said, I had a heavy heart. I was tired too, I just had UI test at Samarinda.


The driver was crazy! It was like he was having heavy heart for something, so he drove madly, very extreme. Firstly, I didn't care much about it, but when the centrifugal kept messing up the whole bus, I became freaked out. Unfortunately I picked seat at the back, so I felt the whole sensation, I didn't miss a thing. I was reading Arlin's book until I gave up. But then I moved to the middle seat of the bus, so that I could read the book uninterruptedly. The book was actually entertaining, sad but enjoyable. It's titled,, hmm I forgot. I can only remember the word 'senja di wajahmu'. I think... But when the night fell, I stopped reading.
I also bought English novel, but it sucks. You must know about Oliver Twist. Well I wasn't interested in it. There are also some stories which is more interesting for me, like Alice In Wonderland, Frankenstain, those old legendary tales. But when Alice came to one third of Oliver Twist's thickness at the same price, economically, I chose Oliver Twist. But when I came back home, I unwrapped the wrapping plastic and I was surprised of how complicated the sentences are. How would you have not been so afraid when that giant bus drives exceeding 100 KPH!

So, that was Sunday. I started continuing my life at the following day, Monday. Skipping school, I spent the whole day watching TV, eating, and so on until I studied history. Bryan came to my house, he was like the only one who could smile me up when my smiles were currently turned upside down. It's like he gave me the miracle when I felt so lonely, down, and trapped in the depth of deranged feeling - when I tried to cheer up myself pathetically by singing SO WHAT over and over again. Alecia Beth Moore cheered me up with her distinct rockstyle.

One thing for sure, things are not getting better in time. I need time to heal the pain, maybe it'll take my whole life time.
I almost forgot to add, there's farewell party, prom night, on the sixteenth of April. All I need is a fairy godmother who'll transform me beautifully that only lasts until 12pm.

Ucha and Usi came to my house when I was about to begin blogging, asking me to have breakfast together. Well I said I didn't have money, I'm at the most crisis point of monetary. She persuaded me more, she said she's giving me loan. awkey, then I came along with them. Usi was so Qteeeeeeee! I couldn't bear, she was like five years old chubby baby girl. Sometimes, Ucha and I wished something ridiculous like the perfect USI look-a-like doll. A doll which has the same moisture, rubbery cheeks. I would buy one for myself. hahahaha


Then, I'm kinda fed up with crying, and broken heart stuff, all those things resulting me in pimples. I'm afraid my tear gland is going to have a long drought right after a long rainy season.
And this created new habit, I slapped myself when my reverie goes on, contemplating or even worst, regretting. But the kinetic for the slapping hurts me sometime. :(

I ate a lot when I felt depressed. I ate two portions of pangsit last night. I thought I couldn't make it up, but eventually I did.


Well, do you think it's kinda uneven for boys to cry?

Aku Menangis Hebat Semalam

Seperti anak kecil yang kehilangan mainannya.

Jalgayo

SO so WHAAT

Again, it's quoted from a song. Because I'm avoiding blue songs instead of cheerful and encouraging.
I like this part the most,

"So so what, I'm still a rock star. I got my rock moves. And I don't need you. And guess what? I'm having more fun. And now that we're done. I'm gonna show you tonight, I'm alright, I'm just fine, and you're a tool so!"


The song is fun, yet, after getting bored with the song, I like it, again. But I don't know yet, if I actually sing this song, what the lyric would be. "So so what? I'm still a ..."what? I don't have anything of myself to be proud of. stupid~

So it's friday already, and I haven't studied anything. Gosh I really worry now. hmm... I planned to study last night, but there was a blackout. shoot! So I decided to sleep. I hope this day, I will get sufficient study.


Hmm, something unusual happened couple a day ago. My house had an unexpected visitor standing in my kitchen. It was a small LIZARD. It startled me. I ran towards my dad and let him know. He was kind of afraid too. But we finally made it. We cooperated and he successfully wrapped IT with a napkin. He wanted me to throw it away. Andwaee!! I hate lizards, I despise REPTILES. Ugh It's so repulsive I couldn't bear it. But finally I collected enough guts to throw it away. I threw it in front of the house. I don't care where it would go. Ugh....
Then my dad was suffocating. He said it was tiring.

SIGH~ All I have to do now is inhale and exhale. Inhale cheerful stuffs and exhale all of the sorrow. I believe everything gets better in time. :)

There's a Possibility

These words were quoted from the soundtrack of Twilight Saga - New moon, which is my favorit movie from the tetralogy of twilight saga. Possibility by Lykke Li. This is the background song when Bella is utterly depressed because Edward left her with no reason. She was stressed out and always staring at the window, summer, autumn, winter...

The song has a sad atmosphere, in fact, very sad. Like the perfect suicidal soundtrack.

And the song was incredibly fit to me either. I've had sort of depression too. But not because my vampire boyfriend left me, because of some reasons. I exiled myself a week after UN.

Oh, UN had passed, and so had the UTUL. I hope I can get the best in both of them. So that I don't have to worry about study anymore, just like I do now. I worry much about SIMAK UI, which is going to be held this Sunday, and also UAS. All of the UAS subjects are the subjects I hate at most. History, civil, computer, agh.. I hate memorizing so much. But apparently I have to go through with them, since I'm taking IPC test at SIMAK, so at least civil and history will do. :)

so, back to my depression, I had exiled myself, I deactivated my facebook account, in which I always got depression in it when I maintained using it. So, I threw it all away. Then I watched lot of movies. I went to odiva few times, Odiva is a kind of rental shop for DVDs and VCDs, chainshop... I also tried to eat lot of ice creams, now I'm having cough as a result :(

I watched Coraline, Ice Age, Ghost Town, Cloudy with a chance of Meatball, made of Honor, and Julie & Julia. The last one impressed me the most. The title is not so interesting, but considering Meryl Streep and Amy Adams star the movie, I was interested enough to pick that out to the cashier desk.

The movie is about cooking. Julia Child (Meryl Streep) was a woman who tried to spend his leisure time, but she had no idea about it, since she and her husband didn't have any children. She tried to learn poker, but she quitted. In the end, she tried to master cooking, and she mastered it very well. Then she successfully published cooking book about french food in English, which at that time, there was no such a book made in English. The recipes are incredible. The food seemed so delicious.
And then, go to future, Julie Powell (Amy Adams) is Julia Child's number one fan. She likes cooking either. One day, she tries to create blog which all of the contents are about her cooking experiences. Actually, she is evaluating all of the Julia Child's recipes. At first, she says the idea was such a deranged idea, but eventually she's done 524 recipes in 365 days. how wonderful..
the movie is kinda hilarious either. I like Meryl Streep, I like her accent. So bloody french...



The blog thing really impresses me. By blogging, she's got lot of fans. She gets miscellaneous from her fans, sent via mail. Just so my dream. But I'm not so good at cooking, so what can I do to impress the world. Oh I wish someday there's a mail from my fans. hahahaha

But the quality of the Discs weren't good. Sometimes I had to skip some parts because the movie stopped playing. So silly. well that is rental shop. I cannot sue. hahaha

Now I'm busy finishing Kkot boda namja. I've done 24 out of 25 episodes. too bad the last one has the very bad quality. unlike the other 24, so sadly I cannot watch the episodes 25. The film stops everytime, just like buffering on youtube. ugh!

Prayerful Day

Yep, according to the title, it was a day full of praying. Few days left to the final national exam. It’ll be nice to have it done - to have all of this busyness well done. Final exam will be held approximately on Monday to Friday. Wish me Luck!

And Saturday morning I will be off to Balikpapan, having UTUL test – UGM one. I hope everything’s gonna be alright, since I already failed in the PBS before. So it’s not my first time having UGM selection test. And it will be like the previous test, we’ll stay in Zurich Hotel. There’s rumor that the hotel was scary and spooky. Some said there is something behind the purpose of mirror placing in each floor.

About today, we were all in aula, at first. Then teachers distinguished us according to our own beliefs, ordering Christ people to go to multimedia, perhaps, and the rest moslems to stay in aula. We did sholat dhuha and got some guidance from our teachers, both technically about UN and religiously about self-introspection. They said, it’s the most important thing right now, besides studying hard – we have to get ourselves to be closer to our almighty lord. That was the point of the preach this morning.






check the rest of happiness combined with silliness here.

Epidemic

Here’s the day, the following day. Nothing goes so nice so far, just as planned and as I thought, boring and uninteresting. LOL

But yes something did yesterday. Not nice actually, bad. I went to sleep earlier, by 9 pm. Because I was utterly upset for something I cannot tell you what. It was a bad night. I planned to study by three in the morning but it’s still a rough time for me to stay wake up. So it’s pointless anyway.

When I checked my phone, there were seven new messages. Most of them contained about friendships which are going to end as the last term ends. That’s so sad. But I didn’t feel sad because I was sleepy and out of consciousness.

Today is Thursday, definitely. We got invitation for our parents to attend the parents meeting due to the coming UN and inform them about the try out scores. My parents were not coming, but my brother was, because my dad was having his schedule for his routine hemodialysis and my mom was in duty, she’s a teacher. He represents my parents. He was so enthusiastic about this, I don’t know why. Even my parents don’t. LOL

Since my parents don’t care about this, in contrast, my brother might be really enthusiastic about it. And now I’m afraid he will scold me later after he finds out that I was absent for a day try out. I was sick and preparing ITB test. I hope I can get in. Just wait and hope I would be admitted, because it was very painful to be denied from a university, and traumatic!

He was the figure that most of friends afraid of. LOL they said he has dark aura that will decrease their happiness and turn into sorrow. Imaginative!

He went out from the room and gave me the result. Nothing’s special, as usual, pure seven. And there are some 6s too. LOL

Oh… there was English class again. I was too suspicious that he would repeat the preceding bad day. But no, he talked something more regarding the UN. And Ucha asked him to sing together again. Then she got her wish, we sang “I can’t Smile without You” again. But then, he asked Aga and Ori to take a guitar from his office. Then he played the guitar. Try to defy me what song it was?

Simply “Love of My Life” by queen. That’s probably the same-aged song. But it was nice. He then searched the lyric out the internet.And I was mesmerized by the lyric, simple but deep. I was touched. It’s like the song was written perfectly as what my conscience is. You know, I’m an adolescent, I can feel the bloom of teenager’s love. LOL stupid excuse…

And friends were humming so smoothly, like the glory of angels. Of course I wouldn’t sing, I wouldn’t let this glorious joy get disrupted by my crappy voice. LOL out of tune…

Since “Love of My Life” was influenced by Queen, he also added the biography of the singer. He’s dead now. He was dead in 1991 due to Bronchial Pneumonia, because of his AIDS affliction. My teacher added that he was once a gay, but he wasn’t anymore because he showed to the world that he married a woman. Try to find about his more in Wikipedia.

how can I stand still?

Hmm. The days were going pathetically the same. Yeah we all know it’s a week before UN is going to be held, but why does YPK still oblige us to go to school regularly? Seeing as how free now the other schools are, I’m a bit jealous, you know. Isn’t it just unfair? But sometimes I have to remind myself to stop groaning about this, these all are meant for my best. Besides, I’m not guaranteeing myself that I will study in home as frequent as I do in school. It’s good overall, but still, the hardest thing to do is to wake up by 6 sharp.

UN is coming and I still can breathe, not suffocating already. I worry much about college. I hope I can really get the university I’ve wanted. I’m afraid they won’t admit me. Hope things will be easy. Amen.

Soon after that I can emit sighs of relief. I’ll be freshman and yet, getting older. Huh~ I’ll be very distance with my parents. Hope I can survive out there. May Allah be with me all the time and let me keep in touch with Allah.

Today wasn’t a good day, so far. You know, English is the only exhilarating subject to me amongst those frustrating exact subjects – such as physics, chem, bio and math. But, the English teacher is not expected. He is the only reason why I felt so gross for learning English. Isn’t a teacher supposed to teach the students accordingly? Like evaluating preceding Examinations, talking grammars, translating together… That’d be fun. But guess he only evaluated Examination once, the very first one. After that, no more evaluating... All we do is exercising without an evaluation. How great is that? How do we determine our faults? Maybe he got tired teaching for so many years.

Or sometimes he discusses a very boring topic with us, pointless topic. Without knowing where our conversation goes. And also, he occasionally neglects us, sadly we had no struggle.

Lastly, he brought a speaker to our class and then played an old music – more like his favorite music, and then let us transcribe the lyric. Eventually, he coerced us to sing together. Ugh, I didn’t want to sing, so I lipsynced. Once he caught me for not singing, he admonished me that if I hadn’t sung, he would let me sing in front of the class. He should know that I don’t sing (at least not in front of people), because I really don’t have a good voice, no singing aptitude at all. Seriously, he doesn’t want me to do it. LOL

Suppose I enjoy the music, I liked his music, but it’s like two years ago. I’m already sick of the song. Barry Manilow – I Can’t Smile Without You. Oh snap, even Dea and I had been singing the song and changed the lyric like “..I feel glad when you’re sad, I feel sad when you’re glad…”

So lame…Gross!

The next song was Josh Groban – To Where You Are. It’s a good song, but it came along with him, it doesn’t fit to my ear. LOL. It’s like he was trying to adjust us to be influenced with HIS. Maybe next time he will have us half bald too. No sir, just kidding.